


Exile

by isa_belle



Series: Dream smp [1]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anger, Angst, Loneliness, mans in exile what can i say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28053345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isa_belle/pseuds/isa_belle
Summary: Oh to feel the cruel warmth of another body. So near to you it’s almost hurtful. So close in proximity, you could reach out if you really wanted. But there may as well be a chasm between.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: Dream smp [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068152
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	Exile

**Author's Note:**

> im sad over block men. that’s how my 2020 is going. anyway. take this thing i wrote at three am.

Oh to feel the cruel warmth of another body. So near to you it’s almost hurtful. So close in proximity, you could reach out if you really wanted. But there may as well be a chasm between. 

Oh to be alone alone alone in a crowd and know that no matter where you go, no matter which bodies warm the air around you, alone you will stay, and you will always be lonely. 

It’s a curse, truly, to have no one and everyone all at the same time. Friends are nice sure, but not when they’re pretending. Not when they only visit to pay the dues they think will cure them of their own guilt. Friends are a lovely thing to covet when they care and give selflessly, but I wouldn’t know anymore, I don’t think. I’ve forgotten embrace, so long without it I can hardly realize I’m missing it. But in my bones I am. In my aching bones I feel a yearning so strong I could cry, so wholly and awfully consuming I could scream my throat raw at the sky to get the feeling out and still be left full of its terrible stick. I want to hold and be held and give and receive. I want to know how to be whole again. I miss being loved and I miss loving and I hate missing but it’s all I know is to do. Just sit and stare and miss miss miss. Just work and watch it blow up again and again and still just long with such a feeling I’d give up anything to make it stop. The only problem is I haven’t got much left to give. Just me. And the trees. And the water and the fire. Just me and my quiet, lonely, wilderness. The cold gifts from people who claim to be my friends. Rewards from a man who shouldn’t be the only one who’s still kind. I just want to quell the ache, I just want to douse the fire, I just want to go  _ home._

But I can’t. So I miss and I miss and I long and I ache and one day, it’ll be over, one way or another.  _One day._

I feel like an animal, injured and bleeding out. I’ll still bite at you, even if you’re trying to help. But you probably aren’t. Everyone who helps hurts too. Everyone hurts when they leave. Everyone leaves.   
  
I feel like at animal, an attraction at a zoo. People _come_ and _look_ and _point._   
  
_Hey, look at the lion in its cage, look at the way it roars and roars like it’s trying to tear its own throat apart. Hey look at the lion, watch as it cries just like us. Hey look at the lion, and look at the walls between it and us, look at the way we’ll never really be in the same room, look at the glass pane between us, keeping it away. Hey Look at the lion, look at it whine, it thinks it’s like us, it isn’t like us._

It’s insulting. I have enough pride left in me to understand that. Enough spirit. I’m sick of feeling shitty and sorry for myself but it’s hard to be angry anymore. I want to feel warm again but I’m so fucking cold and I’m so, so alone, I think it might eat me from the inside. 

_Oh Theseus._ What have you done now?

A hero, exiled. Was he ever really a hero at all? 

_ Loose cannon. Selfish. Liability._

Look at the lion. Look at it  _break_. 

Is one who gives selflessly again and again a villain for wanting to finally  take? Is he allowed to have one thing for himself?

Oh Theseus, oh  _ Tommy._ You wanted to be a hero. Perhaps you will die like one. 

_Good things don’t happen to heroes_. 

Damn shame. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. if you liked it, leave a comment to give me a much needed confidence boost ;)
> 
> Byee


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